Kings Landing

We are finally en-route to King's Landing. A part of me has waited for this for a lifetime, but now I face this with dread. My sister is hoping for a reconciliation and the future she was promised so long ago. I do not know if I can hope for anything. I know my duty and that is not an issue, it matters not what I want for my future, I am to create a peace with my body and mind. I fear I am perhaps not capable of this. I look at all my mother has done and struggled with, could I ever be as strong as she is? I do not know.

When I used to dream of the Capital I dreamed of the food I would eat with my family. My eldest brother always liked what I would create, he would eat anything even when it was horrible and tell me, "Iss you know just what I like." I miss that. I miss the smiles of both my brothers, and I do not know how to fill the spot where they were in my heart with anything but grief and anger. It is worse for my parents.

I do not remember my father being as quiet as he is now. Perhaps that was something missed as a child. I remember when he was the tallest man in the world and unstoppable. Nothing bad could happen because Papa was there. He seems so much older now. I hope to make him proud. I know it is impossible to be perfect but the world does not have to know that.

I worry we will not survive the peace to come. A part of me thinks perhaps we have become something else, not just Andal North but something not yet seen in Westeros or beyond. I know this diary could be a weapon but it has been my only companion for so long.

One thing I do know is through my thoughts and my art at least I will forever have the faces of my kin. If I leave Kings Landing with another name, I will still be Manderly, it is my blood after all. I remember in my lessons being told of my ancestor. When we were the First Men there was one of us who did all she could to protect her people until she was forced to choose her life or what would become Manderly. She lay down and her blood flowed into the waters, consecrating White Harbour for us. Some fish tasted the blood and they wept at the sacrifice, making the sea rise. These same fish leapt from the sea into the boats and made the land prosper again. Her last words were, "I die for family." I think she would have now said, "I die Manderly."

I do not know if Saoirse can live this way, she has spent so long dreaming of being Lady Stark. I cannot know what it was to live with the betrothal, the promise and to have it shattered. Yet how can she forgive the losses we took? I wish I could understand her. I suspect she feels the same way about me. Every step away from home makes me think on the past. It feels permanent somehow. I know it may be, everything I care about is with me.

If I wed, will I have to give up my art? Will I have to change for him? Can I? Who would even have me? I do not mean this in a lack of worth but more there is so much need for peace and I am but one woman. I suppose it is when, but time will tell. I know it will never be a matter of the heart despite the stories of maidens and heroes. This does not mean I will not wed a hero. Perhaps he will understand why I will always mourn.