Today I met the most amazing people. I came to Dragonstone without any hope. How can someone hope when they have lost so much? I have wondered at times how my parents have lived. I do not know how Moira lived. It pains me greatly to have lost my brothers but how do parents live through it? I know they love us more. I wish I could understand that depth without fearing loss but my duty means I must risk losing. I fear too often I suspect but my duty demands I push it away, duty demands my parents push their own loses away. Tonight I saw taht pain in Moira again. I see it every day in my parents. It is a wound that cannot heal. At times because of this I do not want to be a mother.
I met a Knight who is in his sixties. I did not know it was possible. Deryn Hill is clearly a man of strength and skill. One does not survive a war with dragons and even more without strength and skill yet he is also kind. I asked if he had at least had a wife and he refused to taint her. It is my hope to see a change to Bastardy. If a man like him were still allowed to live as he truly deserves perhaps then we would not face the risk of another war as Baelor failed us. Too chaste to breed. I fear writing my true thoughts even here on that matter but despite my fear I will not fail my people if it is within my powers. I do worry I may be sterile, does every Lady not have this fear? What if my womb is an echo chamber of my weaknesses?
At least until my sister is wed I need not worry. Still after breaking bread with Lord Dayne, Lady Mormont, Lady of Lannister, and others all from different sides of conflicts I am aware I must try to put my anger aside. I cannot let it drive me. I promised my brothers justice if possible but is justice more war? I do not know. Ser Daryn said I am not free of hope like I think though even my Septa tells me I am a hopeless girl. I do not feel happiness often but I did this night. I like how it felt to gather with different people.
Mother would gain six more grey hairs if she knew a part of me wants to be more than a Lady supporting a man. That never goes away, even after that night with Moira. If I were born a man what would I be? I will allow my ambition to override my anger and my ambition is to see a King crowned without a war.
Perhaps this is what Just Tom was so worried about too. We cannot afford another war, Westeros could fail if we do not unite. I feel as if I am a speck of dust in history but perhaps I will be as old as Septa Adelaide someday, looking back on these words and knowing what could be. I learned tonight what sharing a moment of kindness can do, and I do not doubt that kindness is important as a tool, perhaps a weapon. I cannot stop wishing ill of the Stark but maybe it would be best for Saoirse to get her foolish wish to wed. I am afraid she will find violence at the hands of her future husband, and that is where my quandry lies. How can i trust Yoren. Maybe he will show me he is better than I remember, we were all younger then. Nineteen is not a great age of wisdom, I will never admit this to my septa but I am well aware my inexperience is at play in my sense of desperation.
I did not miss that Lord Dayne mentioned his son my age. I immediately suggested Saoirse as to wed before her would be a slight but I do think this could be an interesting match politically, at minimum if I handle myself well I can be a strong tool for my father. I jest here but perhaps I could be queen. That won't happen. Queen's are Lannister and Targaryen brides, I am not pretty enough to put in such a place. I do not think we have enough political sway either but I could be wrong. My view of politics is fairly limited to White Harbor for now.
I still feel Dragonstone is a creepy place, but the people are not. IT was built to cause a sense of doom, as a tool. I will remember this.
I met a Knight who is in his sixties. I did not know it was possible. Deryn Hill is clearly a man of strength and skill. One does not survive a war with dragons and even more without strength and skill yet he is also kind. I asked if he had at least had a wife and he refused to taint her. It is my hope to see a change to Bastardy. If a man like him were still allowed to live as he truly deserves perhaps then we would not face the risk of another war as Baelor failed us. Too chaste to breed. I fear writing my true thoughts even here on that matter but despite my fear I will not fail my people if it is within my powers. I do worry I may be sterile, does every Lady not have this fear? What if my womb is an echo chamber of my weaknesses?
At least until my sister is wed I need not worry. Still after breaking bread with Lord Dayne, Lady Mormont, Lady of Lannister, and others all from different sides of conflicts I am aware I must try to put my anger aside. I cannot let it drive me. I promised my brothers justice if possible but is justice more war? I do not know. Ser Daryn said I am not free of hope like I think though even my Septa tells me I am a hopeless girl. I do not feel happiness often but I did this night. I like how it felt to gather with different people.
Mother would gain six more grey hairs if she knew a part of me wants to be more than a Lady supporting a man. That never goes away, even after that night with Moira. If I were born a man what would I be? I will allow my ambition to override my anger and my ambition is to see a King crowned without a war.
Perhaps this is what Just Tom was so worried about too. We cannot afford another war, Westeros could fail if we do not unite. I feel as if I am a speck of dust in history but perhaps I will be as old as Septa Adelaide someday, looking back on these words and knowing what could be. I learned tonight what sharing a moment of kindness can do, and I do not doubt that kindness is important as a tool, perhaps a weapon. I cannot stop wishing ill of the Stark but maybe it would be best for Saoirse to get her foolish wish to wed. I am afraid she will find violence at the hands of her future husband, and that is where my quandry lies. How can i trust Yoren. Maybe he will show me he is better than I remember, we were all younger then. Nineteen is not a great age of wisdom, I will never admit this to my septa but I am well aware my inexperience is at play in my sense of desperation.
I did not miss that Lord Dayne mentioned his son my age. I immediately suggested Saoirse as to wed before her would be a slight but I do think this could be an interesting match politically, at minimum if I handle myself well I can be a strong tool for my father. I jest here but perhaps I could be queen. That won't happen. Queen's are Lannister and Targaryen brides, I am not pretty enough to put in such a place. I do not think we have enough political sway either but I could be wrong. My view of politics is fairly limited to White Harbor for now.
I still feel Dragonstone is a creepy place, but the people are not. IT was built to cause a sense of doom, as a tool. I will remember this.
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