I have not made time to write in you for many days Diary. I do not like to write here when I am angry. I know either when I die or when I look back this will be a book that holds my secrets and angry words can do harm. Yet the reasons for anger are many. First and foremost I believe I have proven Yoren Stark guilty of murder, I gave the evidence to the Lord Commander just before his attempted murder on his own accomplice. It is a mess. Soairse is at least saved from a marriage to a monster but she has been hurt so deeply, she does not think she can ever wed.
Mother ... where do I even begin with Mother. She has shown a side of herself I suspected present. The rumors she favors Saoirse over me are not unfounded. I have been well aware of this for years and spent myself trying to please her. The request for treason, the accusation that Saoirse is a traitor and myself Unfit... all of this goes back to that very thing. Neither of us have been mindless and she cannot abide that. That she would lash out infront of people... while I consider Moira a second mother no one knows this. It is not widely known we are close as that could have endangered us both. Yet, mother still lashed out in front of her and for two days Saoirse and I were locked in our chambers.
After that I went to Flea Bottom. I was told by Bella, formerly Ratt, that there is no orphanage or school. I saw no signs of appropriate access to medical care and the food I brought was insufficient. There must be a way to ensure those who cannot come to someone bringing food are fed as well. the war has left many orphans and with another war likely on the Horizon given Baelor's failure to leave an heir we all face more strife. It will be those people who suffer most.
I managed to fall ill in my adventures but I did meet Reeve and Kerrigan Lothston. I brought medicine and cookies after the riot. I missed that due to mother's punishment for which I am grateful. Lord Lothston has some sort of ailment, It worries his children. I found them to be some of the warmest and kindest people. They were rather shocked I think their Sigil one of the finest. I suspect they are not used to people paying attention. Most seem to take that for granted. Kerrigan is also an artist. I am looking forward to sharing my own art with her and seeing her own style. It will be lovely.
That this is still possible now that I am a ward of the Starks along with my siblings is amazing. Amazing yet.. I may have only a month of life left. It hinges on Father and Mother valuing peace and their children more. I should not have to doubt that they will save us but I do. If they do I will always wonder if it was for their own lives as Prince Brenett assures me we will die but so will they. He also said he will not make it a slow death. I half expected him to not answer. Where Yoren was a violent and weak man Prince Brenett is intelligent, charming, and honest. I know it was not easy for him to answer the many questions Saoirse and I had. I broke down. I did not mean to cry but to hear that my brother could have been spared and ti was probably Mother's choice and that mother both confessed she is responsible for the demise of Fisher and that this too cannot be something that is misconstrued despite her best efforts wounds me.
It hurts because it is not beyond her. I want it to be but she made many choices in the war that have both exteneded it and seem to be for profit. I do not know if this is all entirely as Prince Brenett says but it certainly is not as mother says. I didn't even know that Grandpapa and Grandmama took the Fisher lands for themselves, purportedly as a promised gift from father.
Prince Brenett was patient while Saoirse and I asked him many questions. Perhaps he will rethink some of his own views just as we ust. Manderly will be stained for generations. If we survive. Our brother has been summoned too, and I do not know how this will end.
This is my only refuge for myself for at least a long time. The handsome Lord Dustin may have to marry one of us. It is on the table. Saoirse is certian he would pick me and I don't think she is wrong. She thought I would be estatic instead of considering his reputation. I may think him attractive, scars and all, and I found myself drawn to him with his strength on show but a single interaction going to marriage? That is daunting. It feels impossibly strange.
Will he allow me to continue my mourning? Will he as I have been told kill me if he tires of me? I do not think it possible a husband and wife do not tire somewhat of one another or have arguements sometimes. Given we have been enemies I also am not delusional enough to think he could ever love me. Then again if my own mother cannot, can anyone? I know I must like myself, but it still effects me when I think on what I must have done wrong and can find nothing beyond refusing treason. Mother still got what she wanted, Yoren is actually guilty but if any knew she made such a demand... Saoirse knows now. She asked and I did not lie to her. I also know she will not tell people but even the question can bring ruin.
I do not feel like an adult right now. I feel like I am a child having a very bad dream. I am grateful that Prince Brenett has allowed me to keep Nikita. I must consider her future if we do die. Who would be a good companion for a smart hunting dog who has too much energy?
I didn't even get to compete in the Archery competition. Lady Moira surprisingly did not win. She came in second. This tells me I likely would not have won but I do wonder if Mother considered this as part of her punishment. How much were we supposed to miss.
At least we are free of Dragonstone. I do not miss the way it loomed with such an oppressive air. The only thing certain about my future is someday I will die. If it is after a long life, I will not be allowed to marry south.
I suppose I have never thought on actually marrying. I never spent time dreaming of some handsome Lord sweeping me up. That was always for stories. The romances are not for Lords and Ladies. It is why the stories are so popular. I wish Saoirse had been able to keep that dream. For her to be able to imagine herself loved was special. She said she has no heart but heartless people do not ache. She understands what I saw in Yoren all along, that he was not truly there for her. Even still he fooled me on many levels and our parents too. I do not think his family was complicit in his choices but rather we are all left bleeding from a thousand different wounds at many hands.
Perhaps this I will paint. I have a dance for this desolation. I know I must make something happier but it is hard to manage when you do not feel such things. I do not remember feeling true happiness for many years. It has been since before the war. I am at least able to tell myself the truth. I do not stay in mourning just for those dead in the war, my brothers, my sister... I do it for myself. I feel less sadness when I wear mourning. I feel less as if I am imposing on others with my sorrow.
I have felt fleeting happineses since we left home. They are always effervescent and vanish nearly as soon as they are felt but in moments when I am myself, not Mother's Isadora or Father's Isadora but my own self it comes. As I extended myself and began to create connections for myself that none other can claim it was there. It was there as I had an indoor picnic of cookies and tea with my travel set it was there.
I did not expect I would miss Septa Abigail most of all. Perhaps she is why I am not a copy of Mother to my core. She has been a ferociious guardian, harsh task master and yet whenever I was weak from nightmares she would tend me. Brushing my hair, telling me stories. She is free of Manderly now and I may never see her again. She swore to write, and she saw me to the Starks. The guards sent for us did not want this but also could not argue with the Look she gave. It was she who encouraged me to dance and paint. She who encouraged me to take my midnight walks. I never was alone with her here.
I hope she is reassigned to someone. Perhaps if I have a daughter she can be their Septa. This is a distant hope as I must marry in the north. My secret dreams of strange new foods and warmth in winter were always just dreams at least. I know many potential suitors will be disappointed. When we set sail I never thought I would be the one with suitors. Saoirse is prettier. I know what I look like. I am soft and round, with too much hair and nothing remarkable about me. I look too much like Father to be beautiful. Mind you I do not think I am hideous but I have seen the other Ladies. Many are delicate things that seem to float. They also might blow over in a strong breeze. I am no golden creature. I think at best I am darkness and winter. Saoirse is like the summer, as is mother. Though... mother has aged too much to be beautiful now in Saoirse I can see why she had many offers.
What is it that has made me a viable option given it is hardly my face? I think, despite the many warnings to seem weak, my mind. I believe I am capable and despite how I feel I do not let myself shy away and hide. I am certain my food has helped. Prince Brenett is the first to even mention a food taster. Most seem to not think twice before they eat something. the Prince will likely be confused when I do not take advantage of my skills to harm him. A part of me wants to make the best foods I can just so his taster is spoiled. It must be a harrowing job, knowing every bite might bring you death.
My first impression of Prince Brenett was he looked a bit sad and overwhlemed. That seems accurate though he is kind, stern, honest, and I think may redeem the STark Honor despite Yoren's best efforts.
Tomorrow is court and we shall find out his fate. We will find out if he was deemed guilty of the Tully murder or if that is a secret he takes to his grave. I know the Lord Commander has worried about this leading to a war between the North and South. More war. Is that the risk of every breath we take?
His explanation of how bad things are for my family will leave me shaken for some time. I tried to get him to consider Saoirse as a bride. Manderly will likely not marry any Paramount Lords, no Starks for us ladies. My brother may be thrown a cousin to wed to show we are now at peace but all of this makes it feel more likely I will be soon wed.
I know my duty but Lord Brenett actually thinks we have a choice. He did say if harm comes to us in any matches his father approves we should speak up. I do not know that I could... but I like knowing he thinks we should. I admitted tonight that I live in a constant state of fear. Not just to Sao. Prinee Brenett knows. Prince. I wrote Lord again. Too long not kneeling to the King of the North has me with strange habits. He was kind there too.
Many men act as if kindness is a weakness but I have seen a trend in this. Lord Magnus is powerful but kind. His kindness is his power. Lord Reeve is kind. I do not think he is yet aware of his power, he is not magnetically charged like Prince Brenett and Lord Magnus. Yet he too is stronger for his kindness. Ladies are expected to be gentle. Lords are not.
I wonder if with another wife Father would have lost his sons. If this is being read by a future generation after I am long gone, know this is not a question I ask lightly. My mother undermined my father. She became war addled. She could not stop herself. I think she became entrapped by the power.
As I write this I have tasks beyond myself and any future duty to a husband. I must confirm that there is no orphanage or school for the children. If not I must convince the Lords of the land that this is vital. The children must be fed and trained to a proper trade or we will have more crime. Some will always go astray but most if not left to starve will be loyal. This is also our debt to those orphaned by war and by King Baelor's religious fervor. He was a lesson in faith. It can make you a tyrant. I still blame him for much of the war's price. had he allowed father to be home Mother would never have taken so much power. Perhaps my struggle with my faith is a good thing, as I am open to the beliefs of others.
I am going to test the freedoms given and go for a walk. It feels strange to not have Randalf and Padraig with me but I suppose this is practice for marriage. They would not come then, nor would Analice or Septa Abigail.
